Thoughts on Conflict

Throughout my 4 years of college I was involved in several different Bible studies. My freshman or sophomore year, I can't remember which, I was part of a Bible study of women in which we did a study looking at relationships between women and what the Bible says about their role in our lives.

Growing up I had always been kind of a tomboy. I was friends with the girls I grew up with, but I also spent a lot of time with the guys. Especially around middle school when girls can be incredibly hormonal and mean, I found it much easier to spend my free time at the pool swimming. This carried over into high school for the most part, and so it wasn't really until I was in college that I began to form strong relationships with other women my age.
I think that is probably why that Bible study was so profound to me.

I remember this one discussion we had about conflict. I remember the following statement, "relationships can only be so deep until there is conflict. In fact until there is conflict relationships can only be superficial." The point was that once there is conflict in a relationship, the parties involved have to decide if the relationship is worth fighting for. If the relationship is worth fighting for, then they will, and the conflict will be resolved, and the relationship will continue to grow. However if the conflict is not resolved, the relationship will end, or will forever be superficial and full of tension until the original conflict is resolved. The point was not that relationships should be abandoned when conflict is not resolved, but rather, that for the health of the relationship, we should do everything in our power to resolve conflict when it arises.

In Colossians 3 Paul says "Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

There is a lot of encouragement here and other places for us to forgive as Christ forgave. I know this is something I am not the greatest at. I know it's something I really have to ask God to do in my heart. On my own I cannot do this.

I also know that we Christians, especially when we are the ones who have hurt someone else, love to remember that we should be quick to be forgiven.

However I think we overlook these words from Jesus in Matthew 5,
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to you brother, then come and offer your gift."

Later on in Matthew 18, Jesus is very clear about how conflict within the church should be handled. He tells us first to go to our brother and talk to him about it, and if he doesn't listen, then to take 2 other brothers.

I think it's real easy to expect to be forgiven, it's much harder to have to humble myself, confess my sin(s) to my sister in Christ, and ask for forgiveness. In doing so I have to admit that I don't have it all together, I have to admit that I have issues, I have to admit that I'm not perfect. Worst of all, I have to admit that my actions have actually hurt another or others.
Ironically this is what I had to do when accepted Christ as Savior. It's what I have to do everyday as I choose to follow Christ.

When it comes to conflicts in our human relationships, it's a lot easier to point fingers away from myself. It's a lot easier to come up with excuses for my behavior. It's a lot easier to justify my dishonest, or hurtful words or actions.

To see someone actually own up and say "yes, I did that, and it was wrong, and it hurt you, and I'm sorry" is so rare.

What is even more rare is when someone says those things, and then changes their behavior, stops doing the hurtful thing, makes a different choice the next time around, whether it's words or actions toward the same person or a different person in a similar circumstance.

I wonder though, how many wounds inflicted on peoples' hearts, by other hurting people where it was unnecessary? How many friendships could have been saved? I wonder, how many major church conflicts could have been avoided? If people could just say "Hey, I'm sorry." and actually mean it?