"It is harder to live the Christian life at home than elsewhere. Husbands can be more courteous to other women than their wives. Wives can give more deference to other men than their husbands. Familiarity breeds contempt or at least disrespect. We take each other for granted. The Christian home is the outpost of Christianity. God places us in this environment to represent him here on earth.
If someone asked me, "How much does Christ love the church?" could I point to you? Could I say, "look at how he loves his wife"? If someone asked me, "How does the church submit to Christ?" could I point to you? Could I say, "look at how she submits to her husband"?" - Mrs. Cindi
I am grateful for the examples passed down to me, from couples who have been a part of my life for longer than I can remember.
Even though I am not married yet, I have some definite ideals about what I want my marriage to look like and not look like, when and if God finally brings that into my life.
Most of those ideals come from examples that have been lived out in front of me, both the good, and the bad.
First of course are my parents, the hilarious people that they are. My parents are some of the most giving people I know, my mom is emotionally generous, whereas my dad is always willing to give of his hard work. Growing up he was always fixing something, or building something. My parents make a good team. For example, when my parents host events at their house (which they do often, and always have) my dad is the man behind the vacumm, cleaning and organizing, and putting up enough folding tables. My mom is the one in the kitchen, the mastermind behind the food (though my dad contributes to the cooking also). My mom is the creative one, who has ideals, my Dad is the organized one who has the plan to make it happen. As parents, they were a united front. It was a regular occurrence in our house that we kids would ask for permission to do or have something, and the response was "Go ask your mother/father." or "What did your mother/father say?" When they were making decisions about us kids, they typically made them together. This doesn't mean that they always agreed, or never had arguments, but to them it was important to be on the same page about things. My dad always, but especially since we have moved back to the states has been protective of my mom and her emotional well being, allowing her to be the emotionally generous. My mom is also the first one to point out the great things about my dad, like when he is hammering on a project in the basement at 5:30 in the morning and the rest of us would like to sleep. Like I said previously, my parents didn't always agree, but they typically had/have their disagreements behind closed doors, not in front of us kids or others who happen to be around.
Beyond my parents there were several other couples who shaped my view of marriage in a positive manner, all of them were involved in the fellowship I grew up in.
Burt and Cindi are a few years younger than my parents, and were heavily involved in our youth activities. Burt is a helicopter pilot and Cindi stayed home with their three boys, and now currently with the three daughters that the Lord literally plopped in their laps, just when they thought they were done with parenting young ones. So they have 3 sons in or out of college, and three daughters who are not yet teenagers. Cindi and Burt have always been the go with the flow kind of couple, who love to have people stop by, the more the merrier, there are countless numbers of kids that grew up with their kids that count them as a second set of parents. Cindi and Burt are the kind of couple who view another person at the door as just another member to welcome to the family. At the same time, Cindi and Burt are unwavering in their commitment to the Lord. They are truly unashamed of the Gospel. They are willing and do share with anyone who will listen. I appreciate the prayerfulness with which Cindi approaches mentoring. I appreciate the transparency, just ask her how she came to know the Lord. It was frequent that she told me about decisions she made as a young adult that she wished she hadn't. I am thankful for the wisdom she imparted to me as a teenager and college student, and I still value the advice she gives today. The fall of my freshman year of college was a difficult one, at the end of the semester I got the news that the first of the 3 girls would be coming to live with Cindi and Burt, I knew that Cindi had always wanted a daughter. I arrived home just a few days after Cindi arrived home with the newborn. I vividly remember calling to ask if I could come meet the new princess, I would not stay long. I knew they were jet lagged, and exhausted, and having to quickly adjust to a huge life change, scrounge up baby supplies in a country where they were largely unavailable. "Yes" Cindi said, "I want to see you, please come, you didn't even need to call." I shouldn't have been surprised, and my mom shouldn't have been surprised when it was hours later that I ended up back at our house.
Dan and Pat are the cute couple that are so cute that you probably want to vomit, except that they are just so cute. Dan and Pat I have also known all my life. As long as I have known them Dan has always referred to his wife as Sunshine. Not "she is my sunshine" but literally he uses it instead of her name, as in "I don't know what Sunshine has planned, let me check with her first." To see Dan and Pat is to see them holding hands. Again, I know their life has not always been easy, they got married as teenagers, I think Pat was 16 and Dan was 18. They also didn't know the Lord when got married, that came later. Four daughters fairly close in age, including a set of twins, and 12? grandchildren later, they are still married, still totally in love, still completely grace filled. Pat is the kind of person who always makes sure to remind you that you are loved. I don't think I have ever been in her presence without her saying as we are parting ways, "Cate we love you." I have never ever ever ever heard a harsh word or tone ever come out of their mouths directed at each other. For that matter, I don't think I have ever heard a harsh tone come out of their mouth directed at anyone. I know there are things that they are passionate about, I know that there are things that make them angry, but never ever have I heard either of them criticize the other, not at church, not in small groups, not out to lunch with the ladies, not on a shopping trip. I have heard "oh Dan would love this" or "oh this would look good on Sunshine."
James and Cathy are the daughter and son-in-law to Pat and Dan. Cathy and her twin sister were occasionally my babysitters as a small child. Then James was my swim coach starting in about the 3rd grade. Cathy came to visit her parents when I was in the 5th grade. My friend Jennifer and I have very vivid memories of the moments they met at our swim meet. We as what, 12 year olds, got to watch James and Cathy court, fall in love, and eventually get married. James at the time was not a Christian, and I know at one point Cathy told him that she couldn't continue the relationship because of that, I know because she told me once when were having a lengthy discussion about dating several years later. I know that when James came to know the Lord, and started attending our fellowship, he didn't immediately tell Cathy, he wanted her to know that he really truly had made the decision because he was convicted of his need for salvation. I watched as they married, and were pregnant with their first child on the first anniversary. I spent a lot of time watching their kids and teaching them to swim on breaks from school when I was back at home. I have had the unbelievable opportunity through my high school and college years to watch as James has grown from a new Christian into the spiritual leader of their family. I have also had the immense opportunity to watch Cathy, an independent and strong woman, step aside and allow him to lead, and respect his decisions for their family. Cathy and James are the kind of people who lead a pretty fast paced life, always up for the next adventure, with their 5 kids in tow, and now as they have gotten older, sometimes leading the way.
Byron and Kay Taylor have also known me pretty much my whole life. And now I am fortunate enough to live just a few hours drive from them. Byron is the kind of husband who gets upset if his wife is doing some sort of physical labor that she should not be, like moving heavy objects. I'm not kidding, he will say "Kay leave that in the truck, I will do it." Last summer I was visiting them at their farm for a long weekend, Kay was talking about how the last days of Byron's mother's life, they all took turns sitting by her bedside. She told me how special that time was to her, especially because she got to spend time alone with Byron's mother, telling her what an amazing husband he has been to her, how blessed she has been to be his wife. I can't think of anything a dying mother would want to hear about than the praises of a son she has raised.
There are other couples, this isn't an exhaustive list.
None of these couples are the type to randomly or frequently make statements on Facebook (and they all have Facebook)about how wonderful their spouse is, for all the world to see and read. They don't need to do that, they live it.
On the other hand, there are countless numbers of couples I know, that I would not describe in these ways. I have seen and heard women loudly criticize their husbands, with and without them present at Bible studies and small groups. I have seen the look of complete disgust on the face of wives as they glare at their husband.
I am at that age were many of my married friends are at the point in their marriages where statistically, if they are going to get divorced, it's happening right now.
I shared Mrs. Cindi's comment with two friends this week. One of them said, "I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than not have a marriage where we are striving to represent Him here on earth.
I couldn't agree more.
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